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Archaeologists discover Metrolopithecus, “Accessory Man”

MILAN – Archaeologists working in Europe have discovered a new species from the hominid family, Metrolopithecus Beckhami. The complete, very well-groomed specimen was found near the posh midtown district of a prehistoric settlement.

“This early human clearly took good care of himself, and had considerable means at his disposal,” said archaeologist Magnus Vanderpool. “We’ve never once found a fossil of this genus so far outside Africa, but this little guy liked to travel. He kept his belongings in a rather stylish leather satchel.”

Metrolopithecus, or “Ashton” as researchers have nicknamed him, was somewhat adept with tools, but showed great skill in accessorizing. “He made his own moisturizer, and we’re still piecing together the jewelry he had on.” said Vanderpool.

Virtually no other hominid has been found to trim its nails and facial hair for another 2 million years. No evidence was found that Metrolopithecus hunted, but he could gather with the very best of modern shoppers today. Very little is known about the community life of Metrolopithecus, as he left few clues as to ties with others.

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