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Burglar monetizes residence

EAST CULPEPPER – A forward-thinking property redistribution efficiency expert converted several resources from the home of a non-participating partner late Thursday night.

“He stole my stuff, is what he did,” said resource provider Randy Dawkins, age 41, apparently unhappy with the paradigm shift in his property.

“I managed the oversight of Mr. Dawkins’ material goods into liquid funds,” said Kayden Pfeiffer, on his way to the Ace Pawn Shop on Durrets Street. “These otherwise idle assets – a DVD player, HD television, an old laptop – these were just begging to be cross-ownershipped and monetized.”

Pfeiffer recently completed a course on corporate buzzwords as a condition of his parole.

“Synergy proactive Web 2.0 visionary leverage empowerment,” he added.

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