TAMPA, FL – Reflecting modern technology, sensibilities and brands, the Global Panel on Commerce and Constellation Naming (GPCCN) has passed a draft resolution to rename the constellations.
“People these days can’t relate to archaic names for things like Orion or Capricorn,” said GPCCN director Ann Deromeda. “Through generous funding of various corporate entities, we have spiffed up the names of the constellations for everyone.”
The full list will be released as the major sponsors complete payment, but a partial list was in the panel’s press release:
- “Orion” will now be known as “Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2”
- “Virgo” will become “MonsterEnergy.com”
- The “Southern Cross” constellations will be the “Ken Ham’s Answers in Genesis Crosses”
- The “Milky Way” as a whole will be renamed “The Milky Way Bar” after the popular candy.
Cultural groups and astronomers have expressed outrage at what they call the outright sale of natural phenomena to the highest bidder.
Deromeda has not responded to these specific complaints, but notes that individual stars and planets are up next for sponsorship and renaming.