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Dogs poop. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

CROSSVILLE, TN – Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry this happened. We always assumed that you would figure out facts of life like this from a distance. If there was any way we could take this moment back, we would.

You see, dogs are different from people in many ways. One of those ways is that they poop out in the open, like here in our yard. I truly wish you could have learned about it from a safe distance. Instead, you have made that discovery firsthand.

Miss Mitzi was wandering around the back yard, looking for a place to do her business, and you followed along blissfully unaware of what would soon come to pass. Ordinarily, in the course of human events, we see a dog taking care of nature and sidestep the aftermath. Being your first encounter with this phenomenon, your marched bravely ahead and stepped right in it.

It’s a consolation that you immediately picked up on the repulsive qualities of dog poop, meaning we were able to reach you in time before you interacted any further with it. That said, the shoes are a complete loss. There is no amount of cleaning and sterilization that can compensate for the trauma that has befallen them.

If Mitzi could apologize, perhaps she would. However, given the impunity with which she regularly befouls the lawn, I would not cling to that notion.

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