IRGENDWOHIN, GERMANY – The two children of a poor woodcutter have solved the problem of vanishing bread crumbs by using circus peanuts instead.
“The birds, they eat the bread crumbs and we cannot find our way back home,” said Gretel, who declined to give a last name for this story. “We find the circus peanuts remain undisturbed on the forest floor.”
She and her brother Hansel are among the victims of a famine that struck the land. According to sources, the children’s stepmother (the woodcutter’s wife) had abandoned them in the forest to cut costs.
The pair had been surviving in the woods on meager supplies, including the circus peanuts they received as a gift earlier.
“We were very grateful for the candy,” said Hansel, “but despite our hunger we could not bring ourselves to eat them.
They had the circus peanuts with them when the alleged abandonment took place. Given that this was reportedly a pattern with their stepmother, they took steps to mark their trail back home by dropping one every few paces.
While exiled in the forest, the children encountered the house of an elderly woman who enticed them to come inside.
“The whole house was made of candy, so it was already a little off, you know?” said Gretel. “There was already a ‘stranger danger’ vibe going on, and then she put us in a cage and tried to eat us. We tricked her and burned her in her oven instead.”
Local authorities followed the same untouched circus peanuts to locate the scene.
“Not even the bugs are going for these,” said the lead inspector.
They are looking into the allegations of attempted cannibalism and immolation, but nothing has been found so far except charred remains of gingerbread drywall. Rumors that the elderly woman had left behind considerable wealth remain unconfirmed.
The family is now united again, although the stepmother had since passed from an undisclosed cause. Their financial troubles seem to be over, as they have moved to a penthouse flat in the city.