Lord help me, I love mashed potatoes.

Dear Editors,

Aren’t they just great, mashed potatoes?

You can put on butter, cheese, sour cream, chives, some of that Mrs. Dash stuff (the regular kind, you don’t even need the fancy ones), Baco’s (remember those? I think they don’t make them anymore but the store brand are just as good), chili, GRAVY… oh my goodness, gravy. Make a little pocket with the ladle and drape that gravy down in there. MMMMMMMM.

Not all at the same time, necessarily. I just mean mashed potatoes are versatile, is all. Obviously, now that I think of it, gravy seems to be my go-to accoutrement.

But let’s back up a second. It’s probably a missed opportunity, but if Baco’s came back, they could market them as BacOS. You know, like MacOS? Make a little computer system with a baked potato for a body, then they install BacOS. They’d have to figure out if the announcer said it “bacos” or “Bac O-S” the way you do with Mac OS.

I used to use Macs when I was in college. We worked on magazine layouts for one of my graphics classes. Nowadays I’m all Windows what with my spreadsheets and quarterly reports. Although it sure would be a hoot to gussy up one of those reports like my old magazine covers!

I don’t know if you’ve got some people at Baco’s to talk to about that. Just wanted to pass it your way. Be sure to mention me so they’d give credit if it ended up being in a commercial.

Anyway, I love me some mashed potatoes. Don’t you?

Gladys B.
Lincoln, NE

Just so you know, a cat in one of those cones can’t get into an enclosed litter box.

Dear Editors,

Your readers should be made aware that if they get some medical stuff done on a cat and they have to wear the cone of shame, the cat will not be able to get into a covered litter box to do their thing. I speak from firsthand knowledge of this, and for yours and your readers’ sake I recommend preparing alternatives for your cat to take care of business.

Elliot V.
Minus one basket of clothes

You can skip all you want, but sooner or later you are going to try YouTube Premium.

Dear Editors,

You can resist, but you certainly cannot avoid us forever.

Come on. Click on the 7-day trial. Where else you gonna go, Vimeo? Ha.

Give it up. We are just going to keep bothering you until you give in. You’re already paying for Netflix, Hulu, Disney Plus, Prime, and cable. What’s one more streaming subscription? You’ll never even notice.

It’s the only thing that will make the reminders stop. There is no end to our resolve.

Sincerely,
YouTube Premium

I saw that

Dear Editors,

You with the red jacket and black cap. At the corner of 8th and Elm, yesterday at 1 pm. Bet you thought nobody was looking when you did that. I won’t mention what, and I don’t have to. You know what you did.

Well, I guess for clarity I should add a little detail. While a red jacket might not be that common, you could easily mistake my message for someone else and I want to make sure you don’t.

Anyway, you spat out a bite of that cookie when your girlfriend wasn’t looking. She made those for you, bucko. This is no guess based on a casual observation as I drove by the corner. No, I parked the car and followed the two of you home to make sure I had the facts straight. She had made those butter pecan cookies and you spat that bite out then pretended that you liked it. You monster.

I lingered for a bit to be positive that you are in fact a couple and that the ingredients matched the cookies as you described them in that text to your buddy Matt. At least you got the name right. But you shouldn’t make jokes about people choking on bad cookies. That’s creepy.

The two of you should get to sleep earlier, too. I didn’t get out of the apartment until the lights were out at about 12:45 am. I’ve got things to do, and that’s just rude. Also, lock your windows. You never know what kind of weirdo maniacs could crawl in there, just saying. Lucky for you I’ve tipped you off.

To sum up, I saw what you did and you should be ashamed.

Name withheld for fear of reprisal

I HAVE THE REMOTE!

Dear Editors,

Bow before me, mortals, for now I wield the power over entertainment selections in this realm.

Past wrongs, duly noted, will be retributed. Loyalty will likely be rewarded. Flipping of channels will cease forthwith.

Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth commence for those who would watch Caillou or Bridezilla, for they are rendered powerless in this moment.

WE SHALL NOW SEE THE GAME HIGHLIGHTS IN 4K

Sincerely,
Tim

Let’s Synergize Our Cross-Active Impact Channels

Dear Editors,

Just wanted to loop in to expedite our PnP turnkey solution user-centric potentialities. Our cutting-edge progressive cyclic process, as deployed, hyperwhelms capital vectors to compelling,  unprecedented distinction and excellence levels.

Circle back with me on the flip side so we can actuate some solution providing, pursuant to e-enabling global application environments. We really want to get out of the box on this one. Ping me for a Zoom and we’ll whiteboard some pro-forma expanded array informatics.

Fungibly,
Dave P.
Team Iteration Expansioneer

Why don’t they make a tomato you can dice?

Dear Editors,

I don’t know if you have ever tried to dice tomatoes. It pretty much can’t be done. The damn things start falling apart as soon as you’ve made a couple slices. Sure, the outer structure stays intact, you know, the rigid part. But all that gooey seed stuff just plops out on the cutting board and it’s more like a blob than cubes. Maybe they should stop calling for it in recipes that way.

Sam H.
Commerce

Updating my résumé. What font says “I’m smart, sophisticated, and willing to debase myself”?

Dear Editors,

I’ve been using a lot of Montserrat and Open Sans (because Gotham is so done), but my feeling is they come off as too confident. I really need a potential interviewer to smell blood in the water, like I’ll do anything for a paycheck.

Arial Narrow might work, as it gets you just outside of typical choices and the diminished width conveys a subtle deprecating air.

Trebuchet is kind of a mess and gives me an insecure vibe, yet is passable enough for a résumé.

Actually, Calibri seems to project the right amount of low self-esteem, but as a default font I don’t think I could sell it as sophisticated in any way.

I’d appreciate any suggestions you might have, and please don’t say Times New Roman.

Gill Sans
Baskerville, IL

I forgot what I was going to say but it was imperative that I chime in

Dear Editors,

Regarding the current situation, I have a relevant and profound insight that would be of great importance to the general public. However, it escapes me at the moment so I just wanted to stop by and add my voice to the discussion.

Thanks,
Ronan T.