I saw that

Dear Editors,

You with the red jacket and black cap. At the corner of 8th and Elm, yesterday at 1 pm. Bet you thought nobody was looking when you did that. I won’t mention what, and I don’t have to. You know what you did.

Well, I guess for clarity I should add a little detail. While a red jacket might not be that common, you could easily mistake my message for someone else and I want to make sure you don’t.

Anyway, you spat out a bite of that cookie when your girlfriend wasn’t looking. She made those for you, bucko. This is no guess based on a casual observation as I drove by the corner. No, I parked the car and followed the two of you home to make sure I had the facts straight. She had made those butter pecan cookies and you spat that bite out then pretended that you liked it. You monster.

I lingered for a bit to be positive that you are in fact a couple and that the ingredients matched the cookies as you described them in that text to your buddy Matt. At least you got the name right. But you shouldn’t make jokes about people choking on bad cookies. That’s creepy.

The two of you should get to sleep earlier, too. I didn’t get out of the apartment until the lights were out at about 12:45 am. I’ve got things to do, and that’s just rude. Also, lock your windows. You never know what kind of weirdo maniacs could crawl in there, just saying. Lucky for you I’ve tipped you off.

To sum up, I saw what you did and you should be ashamed.

Name withheld for fear of reprisal