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Old Faithful threatens to move if it doesn’t get new facility

PARK COUNTY, WY – Yellowstone National Park’s most famous geyser Old Faithful could become Toronto’s or Richmond’s Old Faithful if taxpayers do not agree to pay for new facilities.

“People in Yellowstone have come to take the geographical feature for granted, and that’s why we’re looking into new possibilities,” said geyser agent Vance Dubrowsey. “A city like Toronto does not have a geyser, and they can certainly appreciate the excitement and revenue this franchise would bring.”

Local supporters of Old Faithful insist that the famous natural feature, which erupts almost every 63 minutes, is intertwined with local culture and even the land itself.

“You can’t just pick up a geyser and move it to another town,” said Josh Watts, a t-shirt salesman at The Old Faithful Souvenir Cottage, a franchise that sells Yellowstone-branded clothing and paraphernalia.

It’s exactly this attitude Dubrowsey cites as reason for exploring Old Faithful’s options. “Look, it’s been a good long run here at Yellowstone, but one look around at the worn wooden walkways and these dilapidated rocks tells you that it might be time to take up residence in a new market.”

Dubrowsey cites the recent example of Miami University moving to Ohio as evidence that mobility can be a good thing. “Who knows, maybe tomorrow a Philly cheese sandwich could be a Tucson cheese sandwich?”

The U.S. National Park Service has not yet commented on the prospective move, but is expected to oppose any relocation. Rangers are stationed throughout the park to prevent any such attempt under cover of night.

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