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This band sucks

Used to be you’d go to a concert and the band would come out with instruments and play songs. Not the case here, as I’m finding out. Not only do the members not have instruments, there’s nothing going on that you could describe as music.

It’s only by happenstance that I’m here to review them, as I was passing outside the arena and someone asked if I wanted to change my life. I could see that there were people swarming into the doors, and I said “Well, I am a music critic so perhaps I should check it out.” She said that it was the perfect thing to do and that my world was about to unfold. I quietly hoped that this wasn’t going to be one of those things where you had to be stoned to enjoy the show.

Turns out nothing could have helped me with that. So far, the only music has been while the band was walking onstage to wild applause. I didn’t recognize the music or the band, and everyone here is way too amped up for me to inquire. All I know is that the lead singer is named Brad, and he is super excited to be here today. He’s also super excited that we’re all here, and he keeps demanding of the crowd that they reassure him of this.

This might be some new style of lyricism that I’ve not yet heard, and this is one reviewer who is really on top of things, so that would be surprising. Anyway, the lead singer is passing off to some of the backup singers, who are doing some kind of spoken word recitation of events in their lives. It’s very prosaic and has almost no rhythmic elements, but the crowd loves every verse.

Personally, I’m bored by all this to the extent that I have time to write this review in full during the show. Yes, I had my laptop with me.

This is one of the strangest band posters I’ve ever seen, but very avant-garde

As I write this, the lead singer seems to be making reference to the time-honored merch table. Instead of t-shirts and posters, however, they’re selling branded supplements in bulk amounts. No joke, the band is getting their fans to buy merch and sell it to other fans. It’s unusual, but I have to admit it’s a clever idea.

I talked to some devoted fans next to the merch table, and they are also super excited about the whole thing. One fan, we’ll call her Iris, has an entire room in her apartment dedicated to merch. She borrowed against her car to buy in, and needs to find 12 more fans to do the same so she can achieve silver status.

Asked about the music, the fans only gave me quizzical looks. I’m beginning to suspect this is one of those situations where the scene around the band is more central than the music itself. They don’t seem to be high, unless you count “high on life” (as Iris told me).

Not one to dismiss a trend so easily, I’m going to give this band another chance. Maybe this show was just a little off. That happens to the best of them. In an unexpected fit of enthusiasm, I purchased a batch of merch and have been talking to all my friends and coworkers about the amazing opportunity this band brings.

It’s premature to dismiss a band so hastily, so I’ll give it two or three more shows before I render a final judgment on them.

If you’d like to find out more about the band or buy some merch, my referral code is 4Tu6YhH3.