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Scavenger Lobby protests declining quality, volume of scraps

WASHINGTON, DC – A coalition of squirrels, rats, raccoons, pigeons and other scavengers testified before Congress this week to bring attention to the dwindling quality and amount of food in the nation’s trash.

“Composting probably presents the most serious threat to our diet,” said Dan Skippy, a squirrel from suburban Charleston, West Virginia. “with better diet being a close second. As more households and businesses eat healthier foods and less of it, there’s less really calorie-dense food of the sort that vermin prefer.”

The scavenger group presented evidence that leftover food disposed of in composting bins is both less palatable and less accessible.

“It’s hard enough to get to it, but it’s also mixed in with dirt and previously composted materials,” said a raccoon from Arizona known as Dwight. “Have you ever eaten a tomato that’s been rolled around in dirt?”

The House Subcommittee on Listening to Absolutely Everyone’s Complaints has yet to issue any findings from the hearing.

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