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U.S. Dollar fires manager

WASHINGTON D.C. – The bill once known as the “King of Currency” has fired its longtime manager in hopes of reviving a troubled career.

The U.S. Dollar announced Monday that it was severing relations with the management guru known as “The Fed” after disappointing performances in four consecutive decades.

“We just don’t see things eye to eye,” said a haggard Dollar after an economic forum. “I need new backing to compete with this new Euro kid on the block.”

Dollar’s value has been trending down the last few years in the international currency market, not least because fewer countries use it as a reserve currency. Competition from other currencies like the euro and the Chinese yuan has driven the dollar to look harder for gigs, and waning interest led to lower confidence in overseas economies. The combination of these stresses led to the rift between Dollar and Fed.

Pound Sterling, a close friend of Dollar’s for many years, does not think the once mighty standard will fare well in this new landscape. “The charts don’t lie. Dollar’s not going to like being ‘just another currency’ in the global market. It’s going to take some adjustment, stay uncrumpled, that sort of thing.”

Dollar put its best face forward at a press conference following the forum. “I may be folding money, but I never fold.”

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