Jabba the Hutt captures Lincoln

February 27, 2008

MOS EISLEY – In a startling turn of events across space and time, crime boss Jabba the Hutt has captured U.S. President Abraham Lincoln. Details

NASA: Previously unseen side of Mercury also covered with craters

January 18, 2008

OUTER SPACE – In a flyby of planet Mercury, MESSENGER spacecraft took some pictures that established definitively the existence of craters we could only postulate

Oil dips below $100 with new “Fun Size” barrels

March 25, 2008

NEW YORK – Forecasters predict that regular-sized barrels of light sweet crude oil will likely continue above $100 through 2008, but big producers have introduced

GM gets additional $3 billion from Washington for rust proofing

May 27, 2009

DETROIT – Automotive giant General Motors sat Washington down in the manager’s office Wednesday and laid it out straight. This deal on the table to

Weather On 4/20 Was Trippy

April 21, 2018

DENVER, CO – Meteorologists were stunned by the long, strange, freakish patterns on display across the nation yesterday, the 20th of April, an otherwise ordinary

New life form discovered in leftover dish

This is a hastily researched developing story and will probably not be updated. If you hear something, holla.

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Gnocchia launches first edible smart phone

VENICE – Mobile phone manufacturer / dumpling maker Gnocchia released its flagship model smart phone today, the Gnocchia Malfatti I. Marking a first in smart

Massive arrow threatens distant galaxy

FRESNO – Amateur astronomers have discovered a vast pointer arrow looming disastrously close to a galaxy far, far away. Brothers Loomis and Weaver Hartinger spotted

Coworker Threatens To Start Podcast

LILBURN, GA – Telemarketer Leslie Vittalone reports that a colleague continues dropping suggestions that he will follow through with plans to record and publish a

Johnny Hotchkiss pulls off flawless Flying Sherman trick at TankMX Games

LANDSHIP, AL – The tenth annual TankMX Games concluded with a breathtaking and unprecedented stunt by Johnny Hotchkiss. The legendary Flying Sherman has been the

Customer manages to irritate automated self-checkout register

MARIETTA, GA – A customer at BigBox Foods has succeeded in frustrating the self-checkout machine to the point of outburst. The customer, known only by

Chinese Hackers Steal Netflix Password, 1 Billion People Now Watching On One Account

SHANGHAI – Computer hackers apparently in China have broken into one U.S. citizen’s Netflix account and have shared the password, allowing almost a billion people

The crew at my local Domino’s don’t seem jazzed that I used to work there

Dear Editors, I stopped in the Domino’s on 14th the other day, and mentioned to a couple of the employees there that I, too, used

I HAVE THE REMOTE!

Dear Editors, Bow before me, mortals, for now I wield the power over entertainment selections in this realm. Past wrongs, duly noted, will be retributed.

This room has been pooped in.

Dear Editors, Just saying. It’s not like they left an unflushed toilet. It’s more like when you walk in, you can tell that someone has

DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP OR NOTHING

I’m a pitiful slob, I don’t apply myself enough and I don’t have a job. But if you’d like to get together sometime, I know

Building a secret society to make traffic worse

Do you hate traffic? Do you ever wish you could lash out at it? Are you a dedicated misanthrope? Do you suck at driving? Look

2 BR Apartment with great view of exhibitionists’ living room

$2030/mo. Lower Uptown area – beautifully remodeled apartment on 4th floor with controlled access, washer/dryer, creek/trail nearby, Nest thermostat, stainless steel appliances, great view of

Music Industry To Crack Down On Performance-Enhancing Substances

LOS ANGELES – Amid accusations that some musicians may be doping to get ahead in the fiercely competitive world of music, industry leaders have announced

Ridicule sign of insecurity, says guy in goofy shirt

CHARLESTON, SC – A man wearing a “Yeah It’s Tapioca” t-shirt claims that mocking him is an indicator of anxiety or lack of confidence in

Study shows major catastrophe could cause catastrophic damage

LEVELTOWN – Scientists warn that a disaster of some kind, if large enough, could wreak mass havoc across the nation or even the world. “If

#1 Productivity drain at workplace: Customers

PILOSA – An international study finds that the leading drain on productivity in the workplace is customers. An annual report by the Hull-Klath Institute details

Crowding forces merger of adjacent train stations

SHOPPING CENTER OAKS – Rapid development between suburban municipalities has brought their light rail depots together. “Rather than build completely new stations in between, we

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New life form discovered in leftover dish

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